28 May Stop Asking “What’s Wrong With Me?”

by Kalika Yap

I had the idea for Bright Idea twenty-five years ago. I launched it last year.

Twenty-five years between the idea and the start.

Bright Idea is the foundation I now run for young women entrepreneurs in Los Angeles. It teaches girls and teens what I wish someone had taught me at their age: how to start a business, build a brand, develop a product, lead a team. My daughters Malia and Kailani, co-founders of Conscious Kids Cookies, help shape the curriculum. My husband Rodney stewards the finances.

Bright Idea is one piece of a bigger calling I carry: to help 1 million entrepreneurs, create a million jobs, and reach at least a $1 million in revenue. The foundation is where I begin with the youngest of them.

For twenty-five years, that idea lived as a folder on my desktop. I opened it over and over. I never finished it.

The last six months before launch were the worst. Every Sunday, I’d say to myself, “Next week. I’ll launch it next week.”

The question playing on a loop in my head was, “What’s wrong with me?”

Then I came across a reframe from Angela Duckworth. She’s been teaching this idea for nearly a decade, and it’s been working on me ever since.

You’ll find it in her No Stupid Questions podcast with Stephen Dubner and in her earlier writing for Character Lab. It gets the full treatment in her new book Situated (out September 1, 2026).

She says we should stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “What’s wrong with my situation?”

She gave the example of procrastination. She used to say to herself, “What’s wrong with me? I’m not getting this done.”

That kind of question leads to self-hatred. To “I’ll use more willpower next time.” And willpower doesn’t work.

When she swapped it for “What’s wrong with my situation?”, everything changed. Is the task undefined? Do I need more advice? Am I sleeping enough?

Suddenly the question pointed her to a solution.

I tried the swap on Bright Idea. The answers came fast.

I ran it through Duckworth’s four levers (space, peers, mentors, place). Here’s what showed up.

Space. I was trying to build a nonprofit at the same desk where I run two agencies. Same browser tabs. Same inbox. Same calendar holding 30 client calls a week. The desk had no room for a new thing to live.

Peers. I’d been talking about Bright Idea with no one.

Mentors. A foundation lawyer’s number was sitting in my phone. I never called. Three friends running youth programs would’ve helped in a heartbeat. I never asked.

Place. I wasn’t showing up in any room where founders of foundations were the norm. So Bright Idea stayed a side project in my head.

Every one of those was a situation problem I could fix. So I did.

I cleared one drawer of my desk and made it the Bright Idea drawer. I asked Malia, Kailani and Rodney to join the board, which gave me a built-in circle of two who’d ask how it was going. I called the foundation lawyer the next morning. I hired a grant consultant. And I blocked one half-day a week, every week, for Bright Idea.

The foundation launched eight weeks later. You can see what we’re building at brightidea.org.

That’s the swap in action. The question I asked myself for twenty-five years made me feel bad. The new question gave me a desk drawer, a board, a phone call, and a calendar block.

Read that again.

The question we ask ourselves shapes the answer we’ll find.

If I’m asking what’s wrong with me, my brain hands me back a list of personal failings. If I’m asking what’s wrong with my situation, my brain hands me back something I can fix.

For us as founders, this is huge.

So many of us run on shame fuel. We miss a goal and assume we’re the problem. We procrastinate on a launch and call ourselves lazy. We feel scattered and decide we need more discipline.

What if the answer was almost never us? What if it was the situation we keep putting ourselves in?

If Duckworth’s name doesn’t ring a bell, she’s the Penn psychologist who wrote Grit and gave the TED talk on passion and perseverance that’s been viewed over 34 million times. Situated is her follow-up. Her argument: grit is great, and grit alone isn’t enough. The situation around you matters too.

She calls these situational strategies in her academic work. The basic idea: the conditions around you shape what you can do. Based on the preview of Situated, the book lays out four parts of a situation worth tending: the objects within arm’s reach, your peers, your mentors, and where you live.

Here’s how I’m working with this in my own days.

Your Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Situated

Step 1: Catch the old question.

The next time you feel stuck, frustrated, or behind, listen for the silent question in your head. Most of us are running “What’s wrong with me?” on a loop without noticing. Just catch it.

Step 2: Swap in the new question.

Try this out loud or on paper: What’s wrong with my situation? Let the question do its work. Write down everything that comes up. Is the task fuzzy? Are you tired? Is your phone six inches from your hand? Is your inbox open in another tab?

Step 3: Reset your space.

Look at what’s within arm’s reach during your most important work block. The objects close to us pull on our attention whether we like it or not. Move your phone to another room. Close every tab you don’t need. Put your water, your notebook, and your one priority where you can see them.

Step 4: Audit your peers.

Look at the five people you talk to most about your business. Are they pulling you up or holding you in place? No need to cut anyone off. Get honest about who’s in your top five. Then add one person who’s already where you want to be.

Step 5: Pick one mentor move and one place move.

Reach out to someone you respect and ask one specific question this week. Then pick one room, one community, one space where the version of you you’re becoming is already the norm. Show up there once.

That’s the work. Five steps. None of it asks for more willpower.

When you keep asking what’s wrong with you, you’ll keep finding things. When you start asking what’s wrong with your situation, you’ll start finding fixes.

Want help getting situated?

If you’re ready to look at your business with fresh eyes and design situations that bring out your best self, I’d love to talk. Book a discovery call with me at calendly.com/Kalika.

We’ll spend the time on you, your business, and one situation we can shift together.